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“Communication is key”, so I hear. As long as you communicate what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling, your relationships should be sweet, right? Wrong.
Have you ever tried telling someone how their behaviour is affecting you, only to feel like their response made things worse? Maybe you expressed yourself as clearly as you could, yet they made you feel like a burden, overly sensitive or misinterpreting everything. They might even say they have to “walk on eggshells” around you, turning the situation so it feels like you’re the problem! This is a classic example of communication going nowhere, creating more hurt, anger, and resentment. If communication is supposed to be the key, why does it sometimes leave us feeling more misunderstood?
For communication to truly be effective, we first need to recognise what ineffective communication looks like. Understanding these patterns and why they break down, rather than strengthen connection, helps us recognise what needs to change.
One helpful framework for this is The Gottmans’ concept of the “Four Horsemen,” which outlines four communication styles and behaviours shown to be particularly damaging in relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. In this blog, we’ll unpack each of these patterns, look at everyday examples, and explore the impact they can have on the health of a relationship.
Introducing The Four Horsemen!
Let’s begin with the first of Gottman’s Four Horsemen: criticism. Criticism goes beyond expressing a concern. It targets the other person’s character or personality rather than the issue at hand. This pattern often sets the stage for escalating conflict. Examples you might hear in the form of criticism are: “You’re selfish”, “You’re such a screw up”, “You’re so lazy, you never help out around the house.” As can be seen, concerns turn into personal attacks, rather than focus on the behaviour itself, leaving the other person feeling judged. Over time, this quietly erodes the sense of safety and connection in the relationship.
The second Horseman is contempt, which is considered the most damaging of all. Contempt shows up as disrespect, sarcasm, mockery, or a sense of superiority, and it leaves the other person feeling belittled and dismissed. Behavioural examples of contempt include eye rolling (I’m better than you, you’re an idiot, whatever), mocking someone’s voice, tone and mannerisms to make fun of them, humiliate them, or put them down, sneering or smirking (This is pathetic, you’re beneath me). Comments that signify contempt include “Please, you don’t know what you’re talking about”, “Of course you’d say/do something like that”, or “I’m glad you figured that one out!” with a sarcastic tone. According to research by the Gottman Institute, contempt is the number one predictor of divorce with over 90% accuracy. Contempt undermines intimacy in marriage and spills over, damaging respect and trust in all your other relationships with family, friends, and loved ones.
The third destructive communication pattern is defensiveness, which arises when an individual responds to perceived criticism with counterattacks, excuses, or denial. Some examples you might hear include: “You’re over reacting/taking things the wrong way”, “Why is this such a big deal?”, “Your feelings aren’t my problem”, “I didn’t do anything wrong, you’re exhausting”, “Well, how about the time when you…?” Responses like these avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions, attempting to justify and double down on the behaviour rather than acknowledge the other person’s concerns. Defensiveness can feel like a natural way to protect yourself, but over time it prevents understanding and problem solving, causes more tension, and threatens the emotional security within the relationship.
The fourth corrosive communication pattern is stone walling. This happens when someone tunes out or withdraws during a conflict instead of engaging. It can look like avoiding eye contact, giving the silent treatment, or emotionally checking out. For example, during a heated argument, one person (or both) may stop talking and walk away without verbalising that they need time and space, or they may shut down and not say anything for hours or days. While stonewalling may feel like a way to protect yourself from escalating tension, it often increases frustration and emotional distance, making it harder to resolve issues and maintain connection. Resulting in the lack of communication for an extended period, the frustration of being stone walled can provoke criticism, contempt, or defensiveness in the other person, creating a cycle of damaging communication styles over time.
Is Communication Key?
We often hear that “communication is key,” but as we’ve seen, it’s not just about sharing what you think or feel, it’s about how you do it. The Four Horsemen show us how ineffective communication can unintentionally harm relationships. Therefore, awareness of these patterns is the first step toward breaking the cycle. When we recognise and address our own damaging behaviours, we can start to replace them with communication that fosters trust and connection.
Effective communication isn’t automatic; it requires understanding, empathy, and the willingness to take responsibility for one’s actions and respond differently. By becoming mindful of the ways our words and behaviours impact others, we can transform conversations from conflict into opportunities for closeness and growth. In other words, communication can only be the key when it is helpful, not harmful.
Knowing how to respond constructively to confronting situations with people you care about can be extremely challenging, especially when intense emotions are involved. If you find yourself struggling to navigate tough conversations or recurring toxic patterns in your relationships, feel free to contact me for guidance and support in building more effective communication styles and healthier, stronger relationships.
To learn more about the Four Horsemen, visit the Gottman Institute: https://www.gottman.com