Audio Version
Have you been wondering just what is going on between you and your dating interest? It seems like when this situationship is moving forward, they’re slamming the brakes!
Relationships can be both thrilling and challenging. That is because they are influenced by a multitude of factors, including attachment styles.
Within a romantic relationship context, one attachment style that often presents unique hurdles in establishing a secure bond is the avoidant attachment style. Individuals with an avoidant attachment tend to struggle with intimacy and emotional closeness, while prioritising their need for independence and autonomy.
If you are confused by your partner’s behaviours, here are some signs that indicate that they may have an avoidant attachment style:
- Difficulty with Intimacy: People with an avoidant attachment style often struggle to open up, share personal details, express vulnerability, and have deep conversations.
“I’d rather not get into it right now… I feel like you’re analysing me a little bit. When you look at me, I feel like you’re trying to look deep within my soul.” - Preference for Independence: While independence is healthy in any relationship, those with avoidant attachment styles would more often prefer spending time alone, rarely seek support from others, and find ways to prevent becoming too entangled in the relationship.
“I think it’s good to maintain our separate lives. I quite like having my own space. What time did you say your Uber was again? - Fear of Commitment: Commitment can be daunting for individuals with an avoidant attachment style. They may hesitate to label the relationship, make long-term plans, or decide quickly to end things when they feel overwhelmed.
“I just want to take it one day at a time. I enjoy spending time with you but I don’t want to jump into anything right now. I don’t know if I can give you what you need.” - Inconsistent Behaviour: Your partner’s behaviour might be inconsistent, sending mixed signals about their feelings and intentions. They may alternate between being warm and affectionate one moment and distant and aloof the next, leaving you feeling confused and uncertain about where you stand.“You’re an amazing person. I felt so close to you the other day. But yeah… works been so hectic. Sorry I didn’t reply sooner, I fell asleep. Anyways, enjoy the long weekend!”
- Difficulty with Emotional Support: Providing and receiving emotional support is fundamental in relationships, but individuals with avoidant attachment styles may struggle in this area by providing generic or blanket responses.
“I’m not really sure what to say right now… If I were you, I just wouldn’t worry about it.” - Dismissive Attitude towards Attachment: If your partner dismisses the importance of attachment needs or expresses discomfort with displays of affection, it could be a red flag indicating their avoidant tendencies.
“I just feel like you’re putting a lot of expectations on me, and you’re expecting me to be someone that I’m not.” - Relationship Patterns: Take note of your partner’s past relationship patterns. If they have a pattern of short-lived relationships, lack self-awareness, have difficulty maintaining emotional intimacy, or a fear of getting too close, it could point to an avoidant attachment style.
“In the last five years, it’s been more sort of short term things, nothing too serious. I really like that. They just work so well, until they don’t. That’s just how it goes. What about you?”
Having these instances occur every now and then does not automatically mean that your partner is avoidantly attached. There could be situational factors at play, such as not wanting to talk about private things in a public space, which is completely understandable. However, a persistent pattern of hot and cold behaviour may indicate that they do have an avoidant attachment style, and over time, this can leave you to feeling very drained, anxious, hopeless, questioning what you did wrong, what’s wrong with you, and whether they even like you.
The good news is that attachment styles can shift. So if you recognise any of these signs within your partner, or yourself, and you would like to learn more about how to better navigate tricky relationship situations, I would love to hear from you.