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I was reading advice on how to cope with a break up and came across articles on how to get your ex back.
Understandably, I took a detour. I found a list of ways you can up your chances of rekindling a relationship with your ex, involving a no contact rule of 30+ days so your ex can TRULY miss you and WANT to talk to you; uploading pictures of your happy self on social media to convince them that life is fantastic and they’re missing out; and posting a picture with a friend or dating interest to spark jealousy. It’s then advised to text your ex to remind them that you are still that wonderful person they fell in love with. Some offer a texting template to send to your ex with a 90% guarantee of success!
I get it… Breaking up is one of the most painful experiences to deal with. Research has shown that you can actually feel physical pain. The process is likened to losing someone you love through death – you go through the same phases of grief. It’s impossible to imagine life without them. You feel out of control not having any influence over your ex: they are free to do as they please, date other people without your input. That alone can drive any still emotionally attached person insane!
Is all this effort worth it? People aren’t like gumball machines where you slot in 20 cents (now probably a gold coin) and out comes a bubble gum. When you’re dealing with a human being, what you do doesn’t always guarantee the desired outcome. Attempts to manipulate your ex could end up being a complete waste of time, effort, and energy. It could even backfire and make you feel worse!
It’s completely understandable if you’ve tied your identity and value to this person. However, instead of focusing on trying to win them back, what you need is to heal your heartbroken self and re-create a sense of purpose in your life – one that doesn’t involve them. Imagine doing this! If your ex came back wanting to be with you, that’s great – you can work on having a better relationship together. If they don’t, it wouldn’t really matter because in the meantime, you’ve learnt to love yourself and enjoy your life regardless.
Here are some things to consider:
- Why did you break up in the first place?
- If you’ve made mistakes, try offering an apology before moving on. You’ll also need to forgive yourself and allow yourself to move on.
- Think about what is important to you, e.g., enjoyable experiences, health, family
- Consider activities and opportunities that align with your values, e.g., read up on new places to explore, exercise, or show appreciation for your closest people
Most importantly, give yourself time to heal. THEN work on ways to re-build your life. Doing this sounds simple, but it’s challenging. If apologies, time, and values are foreign concepts to you, or if you need support and guidance through your break-up, please reach out.