Audio Version
Have you been the main initiator of conversation with certain friends lately? Have you noticed that the group chat you’ve been actively engaging in goes quiet when you make a comment?
Have you found out via social media posts that some of your closest people have been hanging out without you? If so, you might be the victim of a disturbing trend known as “Quiet Quitting” that is sure to mess with your mental health and self-esteem.
Quiet Quitting in a social context happens when one or more individuals gradually withdraws from the relationship without directly explaining why. Common forms of Quiet Quitting include:
- Gradual decrease in responsiveness to your calls, texts, and social media interactions
- Short, uninterested responses, lacking enthusiasm
- Not taking initiative to make contact or plans with you
- Ignoring important events in your life or failing to acknowledge significant milestones
- Making excuses for their avoidance and distancing
- Emotionally distancing, seeming cold and not sharing as much as they used to
The passive nature of these behaviours can leave you feeling hurt, angry, and confused. At first, you try not to take it personally. There must be a good explanation for it. You question whether you’re missing something, overreacting, imagining things, or expecting too much. You suspect that maybe they’ve lost their phone, gone offline, or been so financially, emotionally, and mentally out of it that they’ve disappeared into a cave. You think of all the possibilities for why this is happening which only stresses you out more.
As social beings, we require a strong sense of cohesiveness to feel safe. Therefore, being ignored, particularly by a group, is perceived as a threat to our survival. It sends us into a spin. We feel emotionally and physically pained by the rejection, and we become desperate to fit in again.
Understandably, if you feel you’re slowly being iced out, the panic response in you is going to try anything to get your friendship back on track ASAP, be it through an angry text, a heart-felt letter, or an honest conversation. However, before you do anything, take some time to reflect on the following points:
- Patterns of Behaviour: Can you see how either/both parties’ repeated actions have contributed to the gradual distancing in the friendship?
- Communication: How have they responded to you opening up about your thoughts and feelings in the past?
- Reciprocity: Does the friendship feel one-sided? How much effort is made by either/both parties to maintain it?
- The Situation: Are there significant life changes that may have affected the friendship, such as financial stress, relationship changes, moving, or a new job?
- Values and Interests: Are there differences in priorities, values, and interests that led to the distancing?
- Boundaries: At which point did you feel your boundaries were crossed?
- Moving Forward: Is the relationship worth salvaging, or would you benefit from stepping back and focusing on yourself, or other friendships for the time being?
The impact of Quiet Quitting can be emotionally challenging for the person who experiences it. It’s so hard to ignore the physical heart ache that comes along with it that you’d do anything to make it right. I suggest that rather than acting impulsively on the negative energy surging through you, do yourself a favor and take a breather. Reflect first on what you are learning about yourself and others through this experience. If your friends or family are quietly quitting on you, it might help to talk to someone you trust about your feelings. Alternatively, seeking support from a therapist can help you navigate your emotions, rebuild self-esteem, gain perspective, and find closure.