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The rise of online dating has provided people with a multitude of opportunities to connect and explore potential relationships.
According to the ABC’s Australia Talks 2019 National Survey of over 54,000 respondents, more people meet their partner online than anywhere else. While dating apps such as Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge allow you to cross paths with people you wouldn’t ordinarily meet day to day, getting to know people online can also leave you vulnerable to a range of negative and narcissistic behaviours that hinder your pursuit of healthy and fulfilling relationships.
In this blog, we will shed light on four common tactics employed by narcissists in the realm of online dating: Breadcrumbing, Gaslighting, Love Bombing, and Emotional Manipulation & Abuse. By understanding these behaviours, you can better protect yourself from potential harm, make decisions that prioritise your well-being, and navigate the dating landscape more confidently.
- Breadcrumbing: The Illusion of Connection
Breadcrumbing describes a dating behaviour where one person keeps another hooked by sending intermittent, lukewarm signals of interest. It creates a false sense of connection while lacking genuine commitment. Breadcrumbers often thrive on the attention and emotional investment they receive without reciprocating. For example, a breadcrumber might send a text response once a week, say things like “I’d really love to meet you. I’m generally free on Fridays, and I think you would like this place I want to take you to”, and never follow through. This can leave you feeling confused, frustrated, and helpless. Identifying this behaviour empowers you to shift your energy toward other relationships that are built on mutual efforts.
- Gaslighting: Rewriting Your Reality
Gaslighting is a destructive behaviour where one person manipulates another to doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and reality. In the context of dating, it can manifest as constant denial, belittling, or undermining of your emotions and experiences. I was told a first date horror story recently. The person’s date ordered a different drink to what she asked for, called her “stupid” when she opted to get an Uber instead of accepting a lift, and insisted on coming up to her apartment after she refused multiple times. His persistence wore her down until she reluctantly gave in. As you can imagine, gaslighting erodes self-confidence and makes it impossible to establish healthy boundaries. Recognising this intrusive behaviour equips you with the knowledge to identify manipulative patterns and the need to stand up for yourself when necessary.
- Love Bombing: Beware of Excessive Affection
Narcissists love bomb to overwhelm and seduce their potential partners through an excessive display of affection, attention, and flattery within days of knowing you. Note that this is different to the Honeymoon phase in a new relationship where efforts are mutual, gestures are made to show love not to impress, and the intense feelings of passion and adoration for one another can last anywhere between 3 and 24 months. In the case of love bombing, the narcissist showers their target with grand gestures like flowers and extravagant gifts, compliments, and promises of a perfect future together early on. This intense focus can be incredibly alluring and make you believe that you’ve found your soulmate. Your friends and family may also be swept away by this charmer! However good it seems, try to remain vigilant. Recognise that love bombing is often a manipulative strategy aimed at gaining control, and admiration. So slow it down. Take your time to build a solid foundation based on trust and genuine connection first.
- Emotional Manipulation & Abuse: Recognising Red Flags
Narcissists excel at emotional manipulation, using various techniques to control and exploit their partners. They may employ tactics such as guilt-tripping or playing the victim. For example, I once knew of a date paying for coffee and using this to guilt and pressure the other person into doing sexual favors afterward. Once this didn’t work, he got in touch the following day (after agreeing to see her in a week’s time) suggesting a movie night and offering to bring ice cream over to her home. When he was turned down, he mocked her for being too slow to get between the sheets, joking that he’d have to wait several years before she’d be up for anything. This occurred only one day after their first meeting. Such behaviour would cause anyone to feel hurt, ridiculed, ambushed, and emotionally beaten. If you notice any patterns of extreme persistence, inconsistency, or attempts to undermine your self-esteem, trust your instincts.
While online dating can be a rewarding experience for many, it is important to be mindful of the potential for encountering narcissistic behaviour. Getting to know someone requires openness and vulnerability. It can therefore be difficult to trust your own judgment if someone is making you doubt yourself in the process. Whether it’s the first, third, or tenth date, you deserve a meaningful relationship built on mutual respect and genuine connection. If you need support safeguarding yourself from harm and effectively navigating the world of online dating, speak to a family member, friend, or professional in this space. You don’t have to go it alone.