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Have you been watching MAFS? It’s only television’s biggest social experiment. There is a spectacle of jaw dropping moments.
This season, the thing to do is to hold someone accountable for their bad behaviour. One particular scene from Episode 20 of holding accountable has been my inspiration for writing this blog!
A MAFS latecomer has been dubbed “Queen of the Season” (aka Queen Bee in this blog) soon after she called out comments one groom made about his wife on a boys’ night out. I’m not here to argue whether the butt dial happened or didn’t happen. It seems we’ll never get to the bottom of that one! However, in an environment where cameras are following your every move, there’s pressure from all angles on how to be, what to do, and what to say, and weekly dinner parties fueled with gossip, accusations, alcohol, and eye rolls, Queen Bee held it together pretty well on her mission to hold this groom accountable.
We all have those dreaded moments when we need to confront a family member, friend, partner or peer about something that’s been niggling away at us. What’s worse is that once we’re in the thick of it, it’s very easy to buckle by forgetting the point we were trying to make, becoming distracted and arguing over an unrelated topic, having a breakdown, or storming off. The end result is that we didn’t get what we wanted from the conversation at all.
From a proven therapeutic perspective, there were some things Queen Bee did which were extremely effective in managing a tough social situation. Being assertive is a fine balance between being too passive and too aggressive. The goal is to find a helpful solution to a problem you have with the other person. Assertive communication can help you better express your thoughts, feelings, and needs, whilst maintaining respect for both yourself and others. Everybody wins!
Below are some hints on how to be assertive, crafted together with examples on how Queen Bee fulfilled each of the criteria:
- Describe the situation using facts.
“Over the weekend I have been presented with some information that I did not look for, I did not ask for.” - Use “I” and “me” statements rather than “you” statements as much as possible (as underlined).
- Express how you feel about the situation:
“I feel so uncomfortable knowing what’s been said about my friend over here.” - Ask for what you want:
“I want you to own up to what you have said about your wife… So please just own up to it, that’s all I’m asking for.” - Stick to the point, don’t get distracted. Repeat yourself if things go off topic:
“I know that there’s more that’s been said behind closed doors. I just want you to tell the truth here. I feel like you’re feeding her lines and you’re very intelligent at deflecting the situation. That makes me uncomfortable and it makes me defensive. I just want you to tell the truth.
Unfortunately at this point, the groom being held to account ends the conversation and leaves, which can certainly happen in real life when emotions are running high and you reach a dead end where neither of you are willing to compromise. This then becomes a matter of setting and maintaining personal boundaries or acceptance, which I’ll save for another blog! However, if both parties value the relationship enough, it’s likely that after some time, you’ll both return to work it out. Here’s when the following steps will come in handy:
- Let them know how you will both benefit from getting what you’ve asked for.
E.g., “If you tell me the truth, I can have a better understanding, and we can try to get through this”. - Find a middle ground. Listen to the other person and be prepared to negotiate what you’ve requested with what they are willing to give.
I can only imagine all the thoughts coming up for you right now… What if it doesn’t work? What if I just get laughed at? What happens if they can’t give me what I want? My family will never take me seriously. My partner will just walk out. My friends won’t understand. I’ll lose my job.
Try not to let negative assumptions get in your way. Assertive communication isn’t about winning, being right, or forcing someone to give you what you want. It’s about clearly stating what the issue is and trying to find a way forward. At the same time, being assertive may not resolve other underlying issues in the relationship. If you could do with some extra support putting this into practice, let’s talk.