Audio Version
I was updating some friends and family one evening about my work and plans for an extended trip. One person (referred to as Person1 in this blog) said that they felt jealous and wished they could go on a holiday too. They then added “You don’t have a care in the world, but I do”.
The tone in which this was said was passive aggressive, hostile, and reminded me of a child having a dummy spit when things seem unfair. This comment stuck with me. It made me feel bad about feeling good! I felt I was being judged for enjoying aspects of my life, and that I couldn’t share positive news without being put down.
The next day, I told another person (Person2) the same thing about work and plans for a trip. They were very supportive despite saying they felt extremely jealous. Person2 asked for an itinerary so that they could continue to be jealous. We had a good laugh together. I felt I could continue to talk to this person without fear of being judged for what I thought were positive things happening.
Naturally, I compared the pair. It was like an Industry Super Funds commercial, where there are two people, same age, same income, same starting points, but one with a higher super balance than the other. This blog is not sponsored by Industry Super Funds as much as it should be! In my case, I was figuring out why there were such different responses; what drove them, and what came of them.
The common emotion was jealousy, as both had acknowledged. Jealousy itself wasn’t the problem. All emotions are valid and natural. Emotions have a function of being our compass; they shape our understanding of ourselves, motivate us, help us with decision making, and direct us toward realising what’s important. Emotions can bring people together, and at times, tear them apart, which is why it is imperative to know what emotions are coming up and how to effectively deal with them.
With every emotion, comes a reaction. For emotions like jealousy, being unaware can lead the mind to judging, assuming, and comparing; assessing one’s value against others, and seeing ourselves through others’ perspectives. As observed with Person1, if we continue to be unaware that the emotions are managing us rather than us managing the emotions, acting on negative thoughts can have detrimental effects on both ourselves and our relationships. What once was a safe space for sharing becomes unsafe.
This isn’t the only possible outcome of jealousy. With mindful awareness as in the scenario with Person2, one can notice the feelings and sensations coming up, label them (e.g., “I feel jealous”), make sense of the emotion (e.g., my friend has something that I want/is important to me), accept the reality, breathe, and carry on with the conversation with the emotion present, without having a negative impact. Person2 asked me to send pictures of the trip, which I imagined would only prolong their jealousy! They were very good at leaning into the emotion and making light of it. To their credit, the jealousy seemed more like envy, which is the pain of wanting what someone else has rather than being threatened by it. As an outcome of Person2 managing the emotion, we were able to maintain the safe space.
The process of feeling jealous and reacting can happen at lightning speed, as it does with other emotions, such as anger or disgust. What can also happen at lightning speed is losing someone’s trust as a result of mindless words and actions in the heat of the moment. However, we all have a choice. The choices lie in those tiny windows of time between feeling the sensations in the body and thinking, and then between thinking and acting. The more mindful we are, the more we slow down the process. The slower the process, the more options we have.
(DBTSelfHelp.com, 2024)