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I Heard it Through the Grapevine – Caught in a bad love dance

by | May 30, 2022

Audio Version

Have you been following the Johnny Depp Vs Amber Heard trial?

I’m mindful of what I read on news media so I don’t get caught up in sensationalised stories. However, there’s a lot to think about. On one hand, it’s continued to bring awareness to issues such as domestic violence and mental health. On the other hand, it’s really gotten people riled up and taking sides. I’ve had people tell me it’s brought up unsettling emotional responses for them, reminding them of their traumatic pasts, conflict with siblings and parents, and ongoing strained relationships with family, friends, and partners.

I’m taking tiny snippets from this court case to blog on. I guarantee that reading this will get you to realise when you, yourself, have acted to some varying degree in a very AH (Amber Heard) or JD (Johnny Depp) fashion in your own relationships! It’s only once we can see and admit to our own patterns that we can learn to break free.

Let’s start with a hypothetical but very common argument between a couple where one says to the other, “You spend too much time working/with friends/without me!” (In other words, you don’t respect me, love me, or care about me). Person 1 (Pursuer) follows Person 2 (Withdrawer) around accusing them. Pursuer feels upset, frustrated, sad, angry. They’ve had this argument way too many times before. Withdrawer feels attacked, hopeless, and overwhelmed. Withdrawer tries to de-escalate by explaining themselves, defending their choices, and providing reassurance. This is meant to help but it makes Pursuer even more mad because they feel invalidated. Pursuer yells more, Withdrawer shuts down, and the cycle repeats.

There was an incident on a flight when AH accused JD of abusing her and then going to the bathroom and passing out. In JD’s defence, AH was starting a fight so he went to the bathroom, took pain medication, and fell asleep in there. It’s alleged that his intention was to avoid escalating conflict. A theme in the way JD copes with distress is through escape: using drugs, alcohol, and removing himself from the situation.  AH’s approach is to start an argument to get JD’s attention and communicate her anguish. When we place this into the Pursuer-Withdrawer dynamic, what we see is AH as the Pursuer and JD as the Withdrawer. The danger is when we get stuck in these roles because the cycle repeats.

But what if you are stuck? It’s understandable. The Pursuer-Withdrawer dance is difficult to avoid and almost impossible to re-choreograph, UNLESS you make yourself aware of it. Make some observations to help you:

  • When apart, do one of you tend to initiate calls, texts, send double follow up texts, write a lot more in your messages compared to the other?
  • Who opens the bigger issues for serious discussion, and who keeps conversations at surface level?
  • Is there one who moves away when things get challenging be it physically, emotionally, and/or mentally, and one who follows pushing for more?

Some behaviours may seem trivial, but if you can see a pattern emerging, you’re definitely onto something! I am a firm believer that awareness is the first step to change, knowledge moves you forward, and practice makes progress permanent. So take note when the cycle repeats!