< BACK TO BLOGS

< BACK TO HOME

I Hate U, I Love U – How your relationships may be a self-fulfilling prophecy

by | Dec 22, 2023

Audio Version

In the vast landscape of human relationships, the bonds we form with others serve as the building blocks of our social and emotional experiences.

Whether founded in similar interests, complementary personalities, or shared experiences, these connections contribute to the richness of our daily existence. As important as it is to know we get along with certain people, it is just as important to recognise how or why we bond in the first place.

Understanding the foundations of our connections allows us to distinguish between toxic and healthy relationships. We can build awareness around what role we play in fostering certain connections and how this may be either serving us or perpetuating a nasty pattern of dysfunctional relationships. So, next time you’re out, take note. How do you bond? Here are some potentially problematic methods:

  • Amidst the countless rounds of beer persisting into the wee hours of the morning, Friday night pub conversations devolve from the workplace stressors to a sombre exchange of personal woes. Friends collectively dwell on shared experiences of hardship and adversity;
  • The weekend escapades unfold as friends indulge in the inescapable tradition of binge drinking. Boundaries are blurred along with insights, while inhibitions dissipate further with every new round of liquid courage. Bonds are forged through the increased social boldness, heightened emotions, and late night drunchies, often followed by a heavy head in the morning, anxiety, shame, remorse, and self-loathing for not exercising better self-control;
  • Mid-week huddles in the office break room or nestled in a cosy corner during a coffee catch-up, individuals connect by exchanging not-so-innocent anecdotes, judgments, negative opinions, and gossip about nearly everyone and anyone they know;
  • During a first date, two people find comfort in sharing past experiences of heartbreak trauma. The vulnerability exchanged becomes the questionable foundation for a new bond filled with unspoken understanding, shared pain, and a yearning for something deeper, yet potentially more tumultuous;
  • In the midst of a social gathering, forming an unexpected bond with a stranger over surface level affinities, common likes or dislikes, personal interests and goals, career aspirations, passing passion for popular music, shared social networks, transient mutual experiences, and even momentary pet peeves;
  • Catching up with family, friends, or distant relatives not seen in a while can be a setting for superficial bonding over forced positivity, denial of genuine struggles, and unhealthy suppression of real feelings;
  • During the prescribed annual holiday seasons or mundane evenings spent in each other’s presence, individuals congregate to dwell on the past, selectively remembering supposed milestones. They seek comfort in tired inside jokes, erupt into forced laughter at embarrassing stories, individual quirks, and dredge up shared misadventures as a form of entertainment. Their bond is tinged with a sense of obligation rather than real connection and presence;
  • Childhood friends, romantic partners, or family members engage in a bond characterised by excessive reliance on one another, over-involvement, approval-seeking, and dependencies that impede personal growth. This dynamic perpetuates unhealthy behaviours such as control, competition, and criticism.

Taking the time to reflect on how we make connections is a powerful and introspective journey that can lead to personal growth and stronger, more meaningful relationships. Consider delving into your interactions and observing the dynamics at play. Are your connections rooted in mutual respect, understanding, and support, or do you notice patterns of avoidance, mistrust, and negativity? Sometimes, what feels like a positive way of bonding may actually be destructive and self-fulfilling in the long run.

Recognising the quality of your connections empowers you to make intentional choices about the relationships you nurture and those you may need to reconsider. It’s an opportunity to set boundaries, seek support, and cultivate connections that align with your values and contribute positively to your well-being. After all, your relationships have a profound effect on your life’s narrative, so take the time to craft a story that reflects the health and authenticity you deserve.