Audio Version
Are you stuck in a painful pattern of meet ups and break ups?
Does each rinse and repeat cycle persuade you even more that there is something wrong with you and that you’ll be alone forever? This blog will demonstrate how dating doesn’t have to be this way.
I recently watched an interview with a TV celebrity, described as a “brunette beauty” (referred to in this blog as B), on her relationship breakdown. B has been searching for “the one” for 10 years. Instead of finding love, she’s had horrible things happen, feels “unlovable” again and again, and is convinced that something must be wrong with her because she’s the common denominator.
I understand, dating can be complicated. Incidents like having someone host you then ghost you are hard to make sense of let alone accept. What I find interesting is that B jumps to the conclusion that there is something wrong with her. I didn’t hear “I’m lovable, there’s something wrong with the person I’m dating”. I know the first thing we do as protective friends, family, colleagues, is to reassure someone that there is nothing wrong with them! That seems to work (maybe) temporarily, but we will likely find them in a similar situation again, getting hurt and feeling unloved. So let’s explore this belief rather than bury it.
B: I’m unlovable, there’s something wrong with me.
Me: Okay…
B: 
Me: If that were true, how would it affect who you choose to date?
B:
We wear our beliefs like our go-to outfit. For instance, if I have a date on Friday night and don’t have time to prepare, I’ll just wear black. It’s quick, it’s automatic, I’ve worn it a hundred times, and it’s comfortable! Friday night date is my cue, and without much thought, I jump into my reliable black outfit. Similarly, when we experience a relationship breakdown (cue), we jump straight into our negative beliefs, I’m unlovable and there’s something wrong with me.
How do our beliefs determine who we’re drawn to in the first place? Imagine walking into a room full of mirrors. Each mirror reflects you in a different colored outfit: red, orange, pink, green, purple, yellow, blue, and black. The last time you checked, you were wearing black, so you’re only going to accept the reflection of you in black, right? It might be difficult to comprehend at first, but we humans will only accept information that fits with our existing beliefs. So if you have a deep dark negative self-belief that you’re unlovable and there’s something wrong with you, you’ll only be open to the evidence that supports this and closed to anything that refutes it. That is, until, you start believing otherwise.
As I mentioned earlier, dating doesn’t have to be so tumultuous. If you feel like you’re on an emotional roller-coaster, stop, get off, and rethink your approach before things get worse. Start with some self-reflection. Are there negative self-beliefs that creep up each time you have an unsuccessful date, when someone doesn’t respond to you or agree to see you, when you want commitment but the other doesn’t, or when your relationship is over? If so you’ll need to work on them if you want things to change. Try these steps:
- Identify negative thought patterns
- Challenge them with evidence, or assess whether they are helping or hindering you
- Focus on the great things about you and all that you have to offer
- Take a different approach: say no to being treated poorly, and surround yourself with people who treat you with respect
- Seek out professional support to help you make lasting changes