Audio Version
Dating can be deflating!
Whilst tuning into the show First Dates, I felt my brain regions lighting up like a disco ball. One hopeful said she hadn’t had much luck in love because she kept ending up with the wrong ones: cheats, liars, people who treat her badly, and people who don’t take her seriously. What was she doing wrong? My mind was enthusiastically going into overdrive. I wanted to help her and others in the same boat make sense of this sinking experience.
So here we are!
If you’re putting yourself out there in the dating world not so excitedly anymore, or in a relationship filled with quarrels and squabbles, so repeatedly let down that you are ready to throw in the towel, read this first! Let me take you on a super express imaginary island cruise to help wrap your head around the concept of attachment. Learn how to spot it, what it means, and what you can do about it! If you take these contents on board, it will transform the way you understand your relationship struggles so that you can change the course of your journey toward more loving connections. All aboard?!
Waves
It’s smooth sailing at first, but it can get rough. You’ll see the waves motioning up and down, in and out. Looks like an Anxious Attachment style. A person who relates to others like a Wave tends to base their moods on how their relationships are tracking. Emotions go up and down. Anxiety drives Waves to lean in for closeness, be hyper alert to hints of rejection, and initiate the serious conversations, like “where is this going?” Waves would do anything to keep the relationship afloat, such as sacrificing their own needs, lacking boundaries, blaming themselves, or apologising to save the sinking ship. Waves want more from the relationship.
Islands
If you look ahead, there’s an island in sight. It’s idealistic and charming. We admire it from a distance. Islands exist on their own like an Avoidant Attachment style. Islands keep love at arms-length by maintaining physical and or emotional distance. They give mixed signals of connection and rejection, leaving you wondering where you stand with them. Things are hazy. Islands seem emotionally aloof and overly logical. Partners of Islands (if not Islands themselves) feel neglected, misunderstood, and “too” sensitive and needy by comparison. As much as you want to get closer to an Island, they manage to stay adrift. Islands are content with keeping space in the relationship – it floats their boat. If asked for more, Islands feel they cannot meet your expectations, often responding with “I can’t give you what you need”.
Anchors
Now that we have spotted two different styles of attachment, we’re going to dock! Setting anchor moors our ship to the ocean floor, keeps us safely positioned in heavy weather conditions, and prevents us from being swept away by rough seas! Being an anchor is like having a Secure Attachment style. In relationships, Anchors are grounded. They are comfortable with closeness, consistent in their communication, and willing to commit. Rather than play mind games, leave you guessing, and shutting down when the going gets tough, Anchors remain focused on resolving the problem at hand – they’re not going anywhere! It’s teamwork when you’re with an Anchor.
As this super express attachment awareness cruise comes to a close, think about which attachment style you most relate to. You may find yourself chopping and changing between styles depending on what’s going on. Perhaps try cracking your partner’s attachment style! When in doubt, pay attention to:
- Who seeks more intimacy and closeness?
- Who is sensitive and reactive to rejection?
- Whether someone is emotionally out of sync and sending mixed messages.
- What’s not being said or done by either party?
An important truth is that the most common pairings are between Islands and Waves. As you can imagine, the ongoing fight is about a Wave wanting more from the Island and the Island pushing back, saying they are doing everything they can. Unfortunately, the Wave will stay in the relationship feeling hopeless and frustrated while the Island believes that flying solo would be easier than dealing with this!
Is there any chance of a sea change? The good news is that you can alter the nature of your relation-ships by learning to shift automatic anxious and avoidant tendencies toward a more secure style. Your voyage will consist of undoing and re-writing a lifetime of entrenched behaviours. It sounds like a whale of a task but imagine what your days would look like if you were no longer trying to reel your partner in, or getting ready to jump ship whenever you’re asked to open up. Being your own captain, mastering your own emotions, and taking charge of where you’re headed can be the most rewarding experience of your life. If you need support in doing so, get on board with a therapist who 1) believes that change is possible, and 2) will help you get there.