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I was asked a very good question recently in the context of friendships and relationships, “when is enough, enough?”
Deciding how or when to end a destructive relationship is extremely difficult. There is often an emotional attachment or dependency that develops over time, making it hard to break away even when the relationship is harmful. In addition, very high highs and low lows can make it impossible to be sure whether we are making the right decision, or whether we are blowing things out of proportion by focusing too much on issues that aren’t that big of a deal. I hope this blog offers validation and reassurance to those who are struggling with the decision of whether or not to end an unhealthy relationship, be it with a partner, sibling, parent, or friend. Only through understanding the signs of toxicity whilst tuning more into ourselves shall we gain the clarity needed for our own decision-making process.
What may be some of the reasons why we contemplate ending a relationship?
- Emotional and mental health: A consistent pattern of ups and downs can have a significant toll on our well-being. Time away from this person makes us feel better about ourselves, more relaxed, content, and functional. Aside from this relationship, other areas of life seem to be going fine;
- Physical health: The stress and negativity associated with this person can manifest in the body and lead to headaches, exhaustion, nausea, reduced motivation, and immune system suppression which can make us more susceptible to illness;
- Lack of mutual respect: Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, support, and listening. There may be a long history of feeling ignored, shut down, and belittled. Our boundaries aren’t seen, our needs go unmet, and we feel invisible;
- Continuous conflict: Arguing, manipulation and power struggles are a constant. The relationship is grounded in negativity, put downs, and stonewalling, particularly when things get tough. There is little sense of vulnerability or feeling like this is a safe space to open up;
- One-sided effort: We are consistently making more of the effort, putting in more energy, being more flexible and generous with our time because we are in a position to do so. Instead of having these efforts reciprocated, we are let down, taken advantage of, unacknowledged, and unappreciated. Meanwhile, the other person seems unaware and indifferent to our needs;
- Abuse: This person has subjected us to various forms of abuse, including psychological, emotional, verbal, and or physical, creating an unsafe environment. Being around them makes us feel bullied and bad about ourselves. Their actions cause distressing emotions to arise, such as rage, fear and hopelessness;
- Stifled personal growth: Being trapped in negative patterns prevents us from thinking about and pursuing our own aspirations. Like a leopard attempting to change its spots, we modify our beliefs and behaviours to blend in, please, and keep the peace. Rather than thrive in this relationship, we’ve just learnt to survive;
- Incompatibility: Despite attempts to improve the relationship, there are fundamental differences in values, lifestyles, or goals which can make it impossible to understand, share experiences, and relate to one another. This can lead us to feeling repeatedly invalidated and disconnected;
- Drained or depleted: Interactions with this person are exhausting. They suck the energy right out of us like a vampire. We’re permanently caught in the role of the listener/supporter, rarely getting any air time. On the odd occasion that we do, we get bulldozed, brushed over, or misunderstood. They show very little interest in what’s going on in our lives;
- Loss of individuality: This person exerts control and dominance, causing us to suppress our own identity, interests, and autonomy. It seems easier this way. After all, the relationship would no longer work if we were more of our authentic selves.
When in doubt, our minds go through a process of weighing up the positives and negatives. We might convince ourselves to tolerate unacceptable behaviour because “no one is perfect” and we are therefore in no position to judge if we aren’t perfect ourselves. However, if we keep up with this mentality, we quash our true feelings about the situation out of fear. We rob ourselves of the opportunity to build better, more fulfilling relationships along with the potential to be our confident roaring selves within them. Recognising and acknowledging the reasons mentioned above can empower you to start prioritising your mental health. If you have decided enough is enough, taking small but significant steps will help you break free from relationships that are no longer serving you. There is help here if you need it.