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Many people are searching for love – a genuine, mutual, and lasting connection. Yet as adults, finding it feels harder than ever.
Between busy schedules, emotional baggage, and shrinking social circles, dating can start to feel more like an unrewarding second job than a romantic experience. Modern advice often simplifies it to this: swipe more, go on more dates, increase your chances of finding “the one.” But honestly, that sounds more like an algorithm designed to keep you swiping than actual guidance.
The Myth of Dating as a Numbers Game
In one sense, dating – the process of getting to know someone – can resemble a numbers game. Meeting more people increases exposure and opportunity. The more interactions you have, the higher the chances of finding someone whose values, lifestyle, and interests align with yours. In today’s world, where many people rely on apps or limited social circles, expanding your “sample size” can help you filter what works and what doesn’t.
However, true connection goes far beyond quantity. While initial meetings may rely on exposure, deeper attraction depends on timing, emotional availability, and self-awareness. Meeting more people won’t help if you or your potential partner are burnt out, distracted, or unclear about what you want. In fact, an overemphasis on numbers can make dating feel mechanical, exhausting, and even discouraging.
What Really Drives Attraction: Familiarity, Proximity, and Shared Values
Research in psychology and sociology shows that lasting attraction isn’t just about quantity. Instead, it thrives on three core factors: familiarity, proximity, and shared values.
Familiarity: Comfort Breeds Connection
Humans are naturally drawn to what feels familiar. That sense of recognition builds trust and comfort which is the foundation of real chemistry. You might notice this when someone instantly feels “like home.” Familiarity emerges from:
- Shared cultural or family background
- Reminders of people you admire or trust
- Environments or routines that feel safe
- Traits in others that mirror yourself (past or aspirational)
Ultimately, comfort and resonance matter more than novelty. When someone “feels right,” it’s often because they reflect a sense of familiarity, whether or not that ends up being a good thing!
Proximity: Attraction Grows With Access
Regular interaction strengthens connection. The more time you spend around someone, the more likely feelings of attraction and trust develop. Lasting relationships rarely form in isolation – they grow in everyday life through:
- Shared neighbourhoods or communities
- Mutual friends and social networks
- Regular hobbies, classes, or interest groups
- Workplace or professional environments
- Frequent encounters in familiar spaces
Proximity allows relationships to breathe naturally. Repeated, low-pressure interactions create trust, shared experiences, and comfort. By contrast, dating apps often pressure every meeting to be perfect, making early connections performative. Technology can introduce people widely, but proximity allows them to connect deeply.
Shared Values: The Glue That Holds Love Together
I am sure you’ve come across people with whom you felt that initial spark! They seemed perfect on paper and the chemistry was out-of-this-world. A few dates later, you realised that you’re from completely different worlds, don’t want the same things, and there’s nowhere for the situationship to go. Awkwarrrd!
Sparks can be thrilling, but chemistry alone rarely sustains a relationship. Shared values are what make love lasting. People bond most strongly when they align on key priorities such as:
- Lifestyle choices and daily routines
- Emotional maturity and personal growth
- Life purpose and long-term goals
- Family, spiritual, or community values
- Relationship expectations and communication
- Financial attitudes
- How they treat others
Without shared values, attraction can fizzle after the excitement of first impressions. Relationships feel secure, meaningful, and enduring when values are aligned.
It’s Quality Over Quantity
Putting yourself out there is important, yes. But endlessly chasing numbers without nurturing familiarity, proximity, and shared values is like scattering seeds without planting them. True connection requires intention, patience, and self-reflection.
If dating feels endlessly challenging, take a moment to assess your approach. Are you focused solely on the thrill of the chase, swiping through profiles, attending dates in pursuit of the “perfect” match? Or are you cultivating opportunities shaped by healthy familiarity, repeated interaction, and shared values? More fulfilling relationships aren’t about trying harder and doing more of the same things. They’re about creating the right environment and mindset for meaningful connection. Even the smallest adjustments to your lifestyle, who you spend time with, and what you prioritise can make all the difference.