Audio Version
Have you ever indulged in a scrolling binge and felt better about yourself afterwards? Highly unlikely!
Perhaps it was because you just spent several hours looking at pics and clips of people who appeared better, happier, smarter, fitter, richer, or more successful than you are or ever will be…
Social comparison is a process of evaluating where we stand by observing how we measure up against other people. When there are no objective measures available, such as IQ, income, or speed in athletic performance (these still don’t fully define someone’s intrinsic value!), we turn to others for reference to determine our own worth.
Social comparisons commonly show up in the areas of physical appearance, career and achievements, relationships, happiness, lifestyle, personal development, and creativity. Comparing ourselves to others isn’t bad. In fact, it’s a natural and automatic process that happens without us even realising it. Social comparison can motivate growth, help us learn from others, and encourage connection between people who share similar dreams and struggles. However, when it becomes chronic, biased, or used to fuel perfectionism, it reinforces self-doubt, anxiety, shame, and low self-esteem.
Interestingly, we rarely compare ourselves to people who are at the same stage as us. Instead, we admire those whose lives look polished. For example, you might recognise these patterns within yourself:
- You’re finally getting back into training after several months off due to work stress and having no time. Motivated but nervous, you search for “beginner work outs” and stumble across a video of a young Arnold Schwarzenegger during his body building prime – sculpted, massive, and lifting weights the size of small cars. You think to yourself “I could never get that big. What’s the point of even starting?”;
- A friend announces their recent promotion and you feel like a complete failure in your own career;
- You hear about someone hitting a personal milestone – buying a home, getting engaged, or running a marathon – and you feel like anything you’ve ever accomplished pales in comparison;
- You’re all dressed up and ready for a party, feeling the most confident you have in a while. As you wait for your ride, you scroll Instagram only to land on a photo of your ex’s new younger hotter girlfriend getting ready for a night out – she’s flawless, effortlessly stylish, and blessed with a body from a fitness ad. You think to yourself “She’s perfect. I can barely do a crunch. No wonder he moved on so quickly…”;
- At last, you’ve scraped together the courage to begin piano lessons as an adult. A very well meaning family member sends you a video of a twelve year old performing a complex Chopin piece with impeccable technique, emotion, and accuracy. As the hope drains slowly out of your soul, you gawk in silence, thinking “I’ll never be that good. What was I thinking starting now? It’s too late!”
The skewed lens of negative social comparison feeds the belief that we are behind, lacking, or simply “not good enough.” Instead of comparing ourselves with people on the same level, we pit ourselves against people far ahead on the journey who’ve probably spent their entire lives mastering that desirable skill. We then mistake the huge talent gap as evidence that we are flawed, incapable, undeserving, or wasting our time. Rather than get inspired, we become demotivated and insignificant.
The important truth that gets lost in all the noise is that:
Everyone starts somewhere and starting/restarting as an adult takes guts! Most people never even start, but you can.
The other person’s skill/beauty/achievement doesn’t cancel out your courage, time, effort, and dedication.
Your progress is real.
There is no universal timeline. You’re not late or off-track. You’re on your own path which is unlike anybody else’s.
Social comparison is a deeply human experience. Our brains are wired to notice differences in the environment so that we can seek safety and belonging through knowing where we stand with others. However, the unhelpful stories that come with comparison – that you’re failing at life, should be further along, or not good enough – are not facts. They are habitual ways of thinking that can be rewired. Together, we can start building you a strong inner foundation that is secure, whole, and always enough. It is never too late!