Audio Version

There are a lot of songs out there about saying sorry. Sorry by Justin Bieber. Baby Can I Hold You by Tracy Chapman. Hard To Say I’m Sorry by Chicago. Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word by Elton John.

When artists across different generations keep returning to the same theme, it tells us that struggling to say sorry is a universal human experience.

For such a small word, it can feel incredibly difficult to say. Many people would rather explain themselves, defend their behaviour, or hope time will quietly smooth things over than actually apologise.

I’m sorry to break it to you… But –  sorry, no buts! – if you want to truly understand what a heartfelt, authentic sorry looks like, it requires three things: 1. Apology (an acknowledgement), 2. Accountability, and 3. Action.

The apology itself is only the beginning of what can feel like an uphill battle which is taking ownership for how your behaviour has hurt someone. For many people, even reaching this stage can be difficult. You might notice your throat tightening at the thought of saying “I’m sorry.”

So why does “sorry” seem to be the hardest word?

Often, the answer lies in what we learned growing up. Many of us develop our understanding of relationships by observing our parents and caregivers. They become the blueprint for how we navigate conflict later in life.

Perhaps you grew up in a family where apologies were rarely spoken. You may have witnessed arguments that ended in silence – days or weeks of not speaking until eventually everyday conversations resumed and life carried on. Later in life, perhaps you might have learned to apologise with a “but” attached, “I’m sorry, but you also…”

This often happens because we are not yet ready to take full accountability or change. We may still feel hurt and want the other person to know that. Whatever the reason that saying sorry feels difficult, you don’t have to continue the pattern.

As an adult, some friendships slowly fade after conflict. In relationships, many of us hope that if enough time passes the other person will simply forget. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. When hurt is left unacknowledged, it might “disappear” in the short term, but in the long term, it often turns into contempt, resentment, disengagement, and disconnection.

If you were never taught what a meaningful apology looks like, it’s something you can learn. Below is a simple A-list I’ve constructed to help you understand the process. Every situation is different, and sometimes deeper guidance from a professional can help. However, these principles are a great place to start!

1. Apology (an acknowledgement)

Imagine there has been a rupture in your relationship and your words and actions contributed to the harm. After all, if those actions hadn’t occurred, the conflict wouldn’t exist.

An apology usually requires the word “sorry.”

“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry for…”
“I apologise.”

It needs to be said clearly with a full stop. No buts!

Say it, pause, and breathe. Allow the other person space to process what you’ve said. Resist the urge to immediately explain or justify yourself. Sit with the discomfort.

An apology is an acknowledgement. It isn’t about proving who is right or wrong. It simply communicates: “I recognise that my words and actions hurt you, and I’m sorry for that.”

2. Accountability

So you’ve said the words. Why aren’t things back to normal?!

Many people assume that once an apology is spoken, the issue should be resolved. But an apology alone doesn’t fix the problem.  

Accountability means taking full responsibility for the harm caused. When you genuinely own your behaviour, you acknowledge that the hurt is real and that it matters. Without this, the affected person may feel dismissed or even gaslit.

Often people begin with some accountability but become defensive when the other person remains upset.

Many people think, “I’ve already apologised. Why are they still going on about it? It’s up to them to make some effort now. I’ve done my bit!”

In reality, the other person may still be processing the hurt. Emotional recovery doesn’t happen instantly. Part of taking accountability is tolerating the discomfort that comes along with it and allowing the other person as much time as they need to work through their feelings.

3. Action

The final step is action – taking the rightful steps to repair the damage.

An apology without action is only words. Genuine repair requires behaviour that demonstrates ongoing responsibility. Anyone can say “I’m sorry,” but meaningful change shows the apology is sincere. Without rightful action, an apology can feel like a performative band aid.

Sometimes repair means correcting a mistake, replacing something lost, or actively rebuilding trust. Other times it means changing a pattern of behaviour so the harm doesn’t happen again. With any apology, time is needed to prove its authenticity.

Trust is rebuilt through consistent behaviour, not through a single statement. When someone follows an apology with meaningful action, it shows they take the harm seriously and are committed to doing better. Ultimately, taking action communicates:

“Your experience matters enough that I’m willing to do something about it.”

Afterword – The A-List in Practice

Saying sorry may feel uncomfortable, but meaningful apologies are an essential part of healthy relationships. When we avoid them, hurt doesn’t simply disappear. Rather, it settles beneath the surface and slowly erodes the trust and connection.

A genuine apology isn’t just about saying the right words in the moment. It requires the full A-list to be effective. Many of us were never taught how to apologise in this way. Instead, we may have learned patterns of avoidance, defensiveness, or silence. The good news is that these patterns don’t have to continue. By learning how to apologise sincerely, we can begin to break old habits that no longer serve us or our relationships.

The post Sorry Seems To Be the Hardest Word appeared first on New Earth Psychology.

Audio Version

 
“Communication is key”, so I hear. As long as you communicate what you’re thinking and how you’re feeling, your relationships should be sweet, right? Wrong.

Have you ever tried telling someone how their behaviour is affecting you, only to feel like their response made things worse? Maybe you expressed yourself as clearly as you could, yet they made you feel like a burden, overly sensitive or misinterpreting everything. They might even say they have to “walk on eggshells” around you, turning the situation so it feels like you’re the problem! This is a classic example of communication going nowhere, creating more hurt, anger, and resentment. If communication is supposed to be the key, why does it sometimes leave us feeling more misunderstood?

For communication to truly be effective, we first need to recognise what ineffective communication looks like. Understanding these patterns and why they break down, rather than strengthen connection, helps us recognise what needs to change.

One helpful framework for this is The Gottmans’ concept of the “Four Horsemen,” which outlines four communication styles and behaviours shown to be particularly damaging in relationships: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. In this blog, we’ll unpack each of these patterns, look at everyday examples, and explore the impact they can have on the health of a relationship.

Introducing The Four Horsemen!

Let’s begin with the first of Gottman’s Four Horsemen: criticism. Criticism goes beyond expressing a concern. It targets the other person’s character or personality rather than the issue at hand. This pattern often sets the stage for escalating conflict. Examples you might hear in the form of criticism are: “You’re selfish”, “You’re such a screw up”, “You’re so lazy, you never help out around the house.” As can be seen, concerns turn into personal attacks, rather than focus on the behaviour itself, leaving the other person feeling judged. Over time, this quietly erodes the sense of safety and connection in the relationship.

The second Horseman is contempt, which is considered the most damaging of all. Contempt shows up as disrespect, sarcasm, mockery, or a sense of superiority, and it leaves the other person feeling belittled and dismissed. Behavioural examples of contempt include eye rolling (I’m better than you, you’re an idiot, whatever), mocking someone’s voice, tone and mannerisms to make fun of them, humiliate them, or put them down, sneering or smirking (This is pathetic, you’re beneath me). Comments that signify contempt include “Please, you don’t know what you’re talking about”, “Of course you’d say/do something like that”, or “I’m glad you figured that one out!” with a sarcastic tone. According to research by the Gottman Institute, contempt is the number one predictor of divorce with over 90% accuracy. Contempt undermines intimacy in marriage and spills over, damaging respect and trust in all your other relationships with family, friends, and loved ones.

The third destructive communication pattern is defensiveness, which arises when an individual responds to perceived criticism with counterattacks, excuses, or denial. Some examples you might hear include: “You’re over reacting/taking things the wrong way”, “Why is this such a big deal?”, “Your feelings aren’t my problem”, “I didn’t do anything wrong, you’re exhausting”, “Well, how about the time when you…?” Responses like these avoid taking responsibility for one’s actions, attempting to justify and double down on the behaviour rather than acknowledge the other person’s concerns. Defensiveness can feel like a natural way to protect yourself, but over time it prevents understanding and problem solving, causes more tension, and threatens the emotional security within the relationship.

The fourth corrosive communication pattern is stone walling. This happens when someone tunes out or withdraws during a conflict instead of engaging. It can look like avoiding eye contact, giving the silent treatment, or emotionally checking out. For example, during a heated argument, one person (or both) may stop talking and walk away without verbalising that they need time and space, or they may shut down and not say anything for hours or days. While stonewalling may feel like a way to protect yourself from escalating tension, it often increases frustration and emotional distance, making it harder to resolve issues and maintain connection. Resulting in the lack of communication for an extended period, the frustration of being stone walled can provoke criticism, contempt, or defensiveness in the other person, creating a cycle of damaging communication styles over time.

Is Communication Key?

We often hear that “communication is key,” but as we’ve seen, it’s not just about sharing what you think or feel, it’s about how you do it. The Four Horsemen show us how ineffective communication can unintentionally harm relationships. Therefore, awareness of these patterns is the first step toward breaking the cycle. When we recognise and address our own damaging behaviours, we can start to replace them with communication that fosters trust and connection.

Effective communication isn’t automatic; it requires understanding, empathy, and the willingness to take responsibility for one’s actions and respond differently. By becoming mindful of the ways our words and behaviours impact others, we can transform conversations from conflict into opportunities for closeness and growth. In other words, communication can only be the key when it is helpful, not harmful.

Knowing how to respond constructively to confronting situations with people you care about can be extremely challenging, especially when intense emotions are involved. If you find yourself struggling to navigate tough conversations or recurring toxic patterns in your relationships, feel free to contact me for guidance and support in building more effective communication styles and healthier, stronger relationships.

To learn more about the Four Horsemen, visit the Gottman Institute: https://www.gottman.com

The post Words Are Like Weapons, They Wound Sometimes appeared first on New Earth Psychology.

Audio Version

Many people are searching for love – a genuine, mutual, and lasting connection. Yet as adults, finding it feels harder than ever.

Between busy schedules, emotional baggage, and shrinking social circles, dating can start to feel more like an unrewarding second job than a romantic experience. Modern advice often simplifies it to this: swipe more, go on more dates, increase your chances of finding “the one.” But honestly, that sounds more like an algorithm designed to keep you swiping than actual guidance.

The Myth of Dating as a Numbers Game

In one sense, dating – the process of getting to know someone – can resemble a numbers game. Meeting more people increases exposure and opportunity. The more interactions you have, the higher the chances of finding someone whose values, lifestyle, and interests align with yours. In today’s world, where many people rely on apps or limited social circles, expanding your “sample size” can help you filter what works and what doesn’t.

However, true connection goes far beyond quantity. While initial meetings may rely on exposure, deeper attraction depends on timing, emotional availability, and self-awareness. Meeting more people won’t help if you or your potential partner are burnt out, distracted, or unclear about what you want. In fact, an overemphasis on numbers can make dating feel mechanical, exhausting, and even discouraging.

What Really Drives Attraction: Familiarity, Proximity, and Shared Values

Research in psychology and sociology shows that lasting attraction isn’t just about quantity. Instead, it thrives on three core factors: familiarity, proximity, and shared values.

Familiarity: Comfort Breeds Connection

Humans are naturally drawn to what feels familiar. That sense of recognition builds trust and comfort which is the foundation of real chemistry. You might notice this when someone instantly feels “like home.” Familiarity emerges from:

• Shared cultural or family background
• Reminders of people you admire or trust
• Environments or routines that feel safe
• Traits in others that mirror yourself (past or aspirational)

Ultimately, comfort and resonance matter more than novelty. When someone “feels right,” it’s often because they reflect a sense of familiarity, whether or not that ends up being a good thing!

Proximity: Attraction Grows With Access

Regular interaction strengthens connection. The more time you spend around someone, the more likely feelings of attraction and trust develop. Lasting relationships rarely form in isolation – they grow in everyday life through:

• Shared neighbourhoods or communities
• Mutual friends and social networks
• Regular hobbies, classes, or interest groups
• Workplace or professional environments
• Frequent encounters in familiar spaces

Proximity allows relationships to breathe naturally. Repeated, low-pressure interactions create trust, shared experiences, and comfort. By contrast, dating apps often pressure every meeting to be perfect, making early connections performative. Technology can introduce people widely, but proximity allows them to connect deeply.

Shared Values: The Glue That Holds Love Together

I am sure you’ve come across people with whom you felt that initial spark! They seemed perfect on paper and the chemistry was out-of-this-world. A few dates later, you realised that you’re from completely different worlds, don’t want the same things, and there’s nowhere for the situationship to go. Awkwarrrd!

Sparks can be thrilling, but chemistry alone rarely sustains a relationship. Shared values are what make love lasting. People bond most strongly when they align on key priorities such as:

• Lifestyle choices and daily routines
• Emotional maturity and personal growth
• Life purpose and long-term goals
• Family, spiritual, or community values
• Relationship expectations and communication
• Financial attitudes
• How they treat others

Without shared values, attraction can fizzle after the excitement of first impressions. Relationships feel secure, meaningful, and enduring when values are aligned.

It’s Quality Over Quantity

Putting yourself out there is important, yes. But endlessly chasing numbers without nurturing familiarity, proximity, and shared values is like scattering seeds without planting them. True connection requires intention, patience, and self-reflection.

If dating feels endlessly challenging, take a moment to assess your approach. Are you focused solely on the thrill of the chase, swiping through profiles, attending dates in pursuit of the “perfect” match? Or are you cultivating opportunities shaped by healthy familiarity, repeated interaction, and shared values? More fulfilling relationships aren’t about trying harder and doing more of the same things. They’re about creating the right environment and mindset for meaningful connection. Even the smallest adjustments to your lifestyle, who you spend time with, and what you prioritise can make all the difference.

The post 1,2,3,1,2,3, Drink: Is finding love really just a numbers game? appeared first on New Earth Psychology.

Audio Version

Most of us have heard about “formulas for success.” Thinkers in business, finance, health, relationships, and life all describe them differently. However, at their core, many formulas are reduced to patterns of behaviour and mindset.

In sport, for example, Michael Jordan, considered the greatest basketball player of all time, relied on a combination of failure, relentless practice, competitiveness, and treating setbacks as learning opportunities for his ultimate success. Similarly, Oprah Winfrey, influential media personality and businesswoman, attributes her successful journey to hard work, authenticity, self-investment, embracing mistakes, and giving back to the world. Even simpler everyday formulas, such as small steps + consistency + maintaining a growth mindset are expected to result in big rewards.

Despite these ideas, many of us find ourselves returning to familiar ground, often in the opposite direction of our goals. It can feel frustrating, disheartening, and confusing, as if all of our time and efforts were wasted. But these moments carry a quiet significance; they reveal recurring cycles of behaviour and mindset that tend to steer us back to square one. So perhaps the focus shouldn’t only be about reaching success, but also about noticing our own tendencies that pull us back: our formulas for failure.

In this blog, the concept of “failure” isn’t about falling short, proving to be incapable, or making a mistake. Failure is defined here as the act of being consistently prevented from achieving our goals.

If the cycles that hold us back are clues, it would help to notice them by paying attention to where things tend to stall or unravel for us. In relationships, for instance, unhelpful patterns might appear in the kinds of people we are drawn to. One formula for failure could look like:

Loneliness + attraction to unhealthy familiarity + ignoring red flags + staying and hoping they’ll change
= another relationship where you feel unworthy of love.

Other patterns show up in moments we unconsciously sabotage connection:

Fear of vulnerability + overthinking + being critical and defensive + pushing people away
= rejection and regret.

With regards to career, similar patterns emerge as repeated missed opportunities, self-doubt, or a tendency to retreat just when progress seems possible. A formula for failure here might be:

Playing it safe/avoid taking risks + hoping efforts will be recognised + waiting for a promotion
= stagnation.

These patterns we fall into aren’t signs of a character flaw, but rather hints about the formulas quietly guiding our choices without us being fully aware. Observing them can be both confronting and illuminating as they reveal our habits, fears, and beliefs that shape outcomes before any conscious decision has been made. The objective is to admit with complete honesty that “this is how I often show up” without needing to fix it immediately.

Reflection, in this sense, becomes a space of curiosity rather than judgment. It is a chance to notice what tends to recur, to sit with the same old patterns in dating, work, relationships, and life more broadly, and simply acknowledge them. Some of the most interesting discoveries happen not in triumph but in noticing the repeated unwanted returns. So instead of pushing blindly and even more forcefully toward “success”, let’s redirect by reflecting on the moments when things didn’t go according to plan. Finding your formula for failure isn’t about self-blame or shame; it is about seeing the map of your own behaviour so that you can then actively choose your new path – one that leads away from repetition and toward personal and emotional growth.

The post Cycles, Swear This is Different! Finding your formula for failure appeared first on New Earth Psychology.

Audio Version

Have you ever indulged in a scrolling binge and felt better about yourself afterwards? Highly unlikely!

Perhaps it was because you just spent several hours looking at pics and clips of people who appeared better, happier, smarter, fitter, richer, or more successful than you are or ever will be…

Social comparison is a process of evaluating where we stand by observing how we measure up against other people. When there are no objective measures available, such as IQ, income, or speed in athletic performance (these still don’t fully define someone’s intrinsic value!), we turn to others for reference to determine our own worth.

Social comparisons commonly show up in the areas of physical appearance, career and achievements, relationships, happiness, lifestyle, personal development, and creativity. Comparing ourselves to others isn’t bad. In fact, it’s a natural and automatic process that happens without us even realising it. Social comparison can motivate growth, help us learn from others, and encourage connection between people who share similar dreams and struggles. However, when it becomes chronic, biased, or used to fuel perfectionism, it reinforces self-doubt, anxiety, shame, and low self-esteem.

Interestingly, we rarely compare ourselves to people who are at the same stage as us. Instead, we admire those whose lives look polished. For example, you might recognise these patterns within yourself:

• You’re finally getting back into training after several months off due to work stress and having no time. Motivated but nervous, you search for “beginner work outs” and stumble across a video of a young Arnold Schwarzenegger during his body building prime – sculpted, massive, and lifting weights the size of small cars. You think to yourself “I could never get that big. What’s the point of even starting?”;
• A friend announces their recent promotion and you feel like a complete failure in your own career;
• You hear about someone hitting a personal milestone – buying a home, getting engaged, or running a marathon – and you feel like anything you’ve ever accomplished pales in comparison;
• You’re all dressed up and ready for a party, feeling the most confident you have in a while. As you wait for your ride, you scroll Instagram only to land on a photo of your ex’s new younger hotter girlfriend getting ready for a night out – she’s flawless, effortlessly stylish, and blessed with a body from a fitness ad. You think to yourself “She’s perfect. I can barely do a crunch. No wonder he moved on so quickly…”;
• At last, you’ve scraped together the courage to begin piano lessons as an adult. A very well meaning family member sends you a video of a twelve year old performing a complex Chopin piece with impeccable technique, emotion, and accuracy. As the hope drains slowly out of your soul, you gawk in silence, thinking “I’ll never be that good. What was I thinking starting now? It’s too late!”

The skewed lens of negative social comparison feeds the belief that we are behind, lacking, or simply “not good enough.” Instead of comparing ourselves with people on the same level, we pit ourselves against people far ahead on the journey who’ve probably spent their entire lives mastering that desirable skill. We then mistake the huge talent gap as evidence that we are flawed, incapable, undeserving, or wasting our time. Rather than get inspired, we become demotivated and insignificant.

The important truth that gets lost in all the noise is that:

Everyone starts somewhere and starting/restarting as an adult takes guts! Most people never even start, but you can.

The other person’s skill/beauty/achievement doesn’t cancel out your courage, time, effort, and dedication.

Your progress is real.

There is no universal timeline. You’re not late or off-track. You’re on your own path which is unlike anybody else’s.

Social comparison is a deeply human experience. Our brains are wired to notice differences in the environment so that we can seek safety and belonging through knowing where we stand with others. However, the unhelpful stories that come with comparison – that you’re failing at life, should be further along, or not good enough – are not facts. They are habitual ways of thinking that can be rewired. Together, we can start building you a strong inner foundation that is secure, whole, and always enough. It is never too late!

The post Nothing Compares to Who? The fastest way to feel like you are not good enough appeared first on New Earth Psychology.

Audio Version

When Allie (not their real name) signed up for a professional development course on better understanding and managing Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), she saw it as a way to help others.

Allie was eager to learn the science, the strategies, the solutions so that she could apply this to her work in mental health. As Allie completed one workshop after the other, something very unexpected happened. The symptoms that were being described felt eerily familiar. What started as a journey to expand her expertise became a mirror leading her to confront a truth she hadn’t yet realised – Allie wasn’t just learning more about ADHD, she had been living with it her entire life.

Allie’s impression of ADHD was based on her personal experience with friends and family who had it, or stereotypically: a person who was hyperactive, seeking stimulation through extreme sports and activities, easily distracted, jumping from one topic to the next in conversation, forgetful and disorganised, always late, misplacing their belongings on the daily, never replying to messages, and hard to keep up with. But according to Allie, her life didn’t look like that. As an adult, she appeared to be doing very well, successful in her career, meeting deadlines, being super organised, and able to focus on things she was interested in, such as planning holidays, playing music, and working on DIY projects.

It wasn’t until Allie learned about the indirect signs of ADHD that she realised how easily she had missed it. ADHD isn’t only about somebody being outwardly energetic or impulsive. For some, particularly females, ADHD can present more quietly in the tendency to internalise stress, daydream, procrastinate, or overwork.

ADHD tends to be overlooked because its symptoms can be mistaken for personality traits, anxiety, depression, perceived laziness, or the belief that you are not trying hard enough. If you suspect that you may have ADHD, here are some subtle associated indicators that are significant but often missed because they don’t align with common preconceptions:

• Having perfectionistic tendencies or exhaustive to-do lists
• Over compensatory behaviours like being rigid or overly organised
• Difficulty with subjects like mathematics, reading, numbers, or having illegible handwriting
• Finding it hard to stay focused during long meetings or conversations that don’t interest you, but having an awesome ability to sustain attention for something you enjoy, such as playing computer games, doing puzzles, watching films, or cooking
• Having the talent and ambition to succeed, but feeling like there is an invisible blocker
• Needing to work harder than most people your age or level to achieve the same result. However, with the right support, you perform extremely well
• Avoiding boring people, places, or activities because you’d rather be alone than stuck and under-stimulated
• Often leaving your job. You can’t stand the idea of staying in the same role for two or ten years
• Forever feeling like you don’t fit in and that you are somehow different
• Getting the impression or being told that you are “too much” for other people
• Only wanting to do the fun things in life

Having several of the above experiences consistently over time does not necessarily mean you have ADHD. Although, it may still be helpful to seek a second opinion from a qualified professional in this field.

Understanding ADHD indicators beyond clinical scales is crucial because these standardised measures don’t always capture the full spectrum of lived experience. Many individuals may present with symptoms that don’t fit neatly into the diagnostic criteria, leading to underdiagnoses or misdiagnoses. Additionally, ADHD manifests differently across life stages and contexts, influencing relationships, work, self-perception, and coping, in ways that extend beyond clinical definitions.

By broadening our understanding of ADHD as in the case of Allie, we can foster greater awareness of both self and other, reduce stigma, and promote more flexibility in work, relationships, and lifestyle. ADHD is not a mental illness; it is the way a brain is wired. So rather than pressuring it to be something that it’s not, success comes from understanding its tendencies, embracing its strengths, and creating an optimal environment in which it can flourish.

The post Under Pressure: Floundering in forced focus and fitting in appeared first on New Earth Psychology.

Audio Version

I used to wake up each morning with a spark of excitement, my mind brimming with ideas and my heart full of purpose. My job was my dream…

…A place where I could strengthen my skills, channel my creativity, and thrive amongst other like-minded allies who shared the same passion. But slowly, that light within me dimmed. The whispers behind my back became louder, the snide remarks sharper and more direct, and the once-collaborative environment turned hostile.

I was alone. I found myself dreading the very place I once knew and loved. My confidence eroded with every passive-aggressive comment, damning email belittling my efforts, and undermining conduct in meetings which had me both blind-sided and humiliated with nowhere to hide. The joy I once felt was replaced by sleepless nights and a knot in my stomach which grew tighter with every passing day. My passion for work hadn’t disappeared—it was suffocated under the weight of relentless bullying, intimidation, and victimisation which left me disillusioned and questioning my self-worth. My dream job was now my worst nightmare. 

Does this sound like your experience?

The Beyond Bullying Association estimates that 2.5 to 5 million (up to 18.5%) Australians will experience workplace bullying or harassment at some point during their career (AHRC, 2024). True rates are likely to be higher as not all incidents of bullying are reported for various reasons, including fear, stigma, shame, lack of awareness, normalisation, lack of support systems, belief that nothing will change, and concern for future career prospects.

Being the victim of workplace bullying is an incredibly difficult position to be in emotionally, mentally, and physically. It often starts more subtly, such as receiving dismissive comments,  being excluded, or assigned meaningless tasks unrelated to your role. The harmful behaviour can escalate into outright intimidation, sabotage, or public shaming. The impact of workplace bullying doesn’t end at the office; it seeps into your personal life, straining relationships, and diminishing your ability to feel any sense of joy and motivation.

Without the right intervention, this distressing situation can seem dark and inescapable. It’s impossible to see clearly beyond the mental fog. I am here to reassure you that you are not alone, and you are not stuck. You don’t deserve what is happening to you, despite how disempowered you might feel. There are several steps you can take to address the situation and protect yourself. Of course, the appropriate action depends on the severity of the bullying, the workplace policies, and your comfort level. Here are some potential options:

1. Document everything. Keep a record of bullying incidents, dates, times, locations, what happened and whether there were any witnesses. This can be valuable if you need to escalate the matter;
   
   
2. Try your best to maintain your composure and avoid retaliating until you have thought things through. Unfortunately, any adverse reactions may conveniently be used against you, such as placing you under a behaviour or performance review even if you know you’ve been doing a great job;
   
   
3. Address the bully (only if it’s safe to do so). Sometimes, letting them know that their behaviour is having a negative impact on you can allow them to make positive changes, particularly if they were unaware or value your professional relationship enough;
   
   
4. Seek support from a trusted colleague. This may help to validate your experience so that you don’t feel like you are imagining things or being overly dramatic;
   
   
5. Reach out to Human Resources or Management. Most workplaces have anti-bullying and harassment policies. Report the issue and provide documentation to back up your claims. File a formal complaint;
   
   
6. If you are part of a union, contact your representative for advice and assistance. Unions often have experience handling similar cases;
   
   
7. Know your rights. Some forms of bullying, such as discrimination based on gender, race, or disability, may be illegal. It is also unlawful if your employer is denying access to your entitlements including sick leave, annual leave, or paid overtime. External bodies, such as Fair Work Ombudsman (W: https://www.fairwork.gov.au/) could give you some advice;
   
   
8. If you believe that these aversive workplace incidents have resulted in mental and/or physical injury, you may be able to access professional and financial support through workers compensation. Agencies vary between states and territories. For NSW, find out more at https://www.sira.nsw.gov.au/;
   
   
9. Consider leaving. If the bullying continues and the workplace fails to take action, it might be worth preserving your well-being by exploring other job opportunities that can offer healthier work environments;
   
   
10. Prioritise self-care by setting some boundaries, taking time off if you need it, and speaking to someone you trust, such as family, friends, your GP, or a therapist. Workplace bullying can destroy your mental health, so addressing the emotional impacts sooner rather than later is crucial.

Addressing workplace bullying head on is extremely challenging, but necessary. If the issue remains undealt with, repeated exposure to persistent bullying behaviours in any environment can lead to isolation, insomnia, low self-worth, helplessness, severe depression and anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, self-harm, suicidal ideation, and suicide attempts. This is why putting a stop to workplace bullying is so important – not only to protect the well-being of all members but also to foster a culture of respect, collaboration, and accountability without the daily fear of intimidation or mistreatment.

We all have the right to work in a safe environment that is free from bullying. Together, we can challenge toxic behaviours and reclaim lost confidence. If you are being bullied, stand up and speak up. Your future self will thank you for it.

The post Takin’ Care of Business – Bulldozing bullying behaviours in the workplace appeared first on New Earth Psychology.

Audio Version

In the journey toward self-mastery, one of the most important lessons is learning to observe our thoughts without letting them dictate our actions.

We all have a constant inner dialogue, and sometimes those voices in our minds are filled with doubts, criticisms, impulses, or worries. It’s easy to feel like we need to respond to every thought or act on every urge. But the truth is, not every thought deserves our attention or action.

Why don’t we have to act on every thought?

Thoughts are like clouds—they come and go, take on many forms, and change constantly. They also tend to drift away without us having to lift a finger. Some are helpful, but others may be reactionary, rooted in fear, or just random. Often, the more intense the thought, the more we feel a pull to act on it. But imagine if we responded impulsively to every internal urge! We’d be ending our relationships within seconds of a disagreement, maxing out credit cards or going all in on crypto, quitting our new jobs after a week, or posting what we thought was a hilarious video of ourselves under the influence for our entire professional network, mother-in-law-to-be, and boss to see!

Like a string puppet, we’d be at the mercy of our emotions, unable to focus, constantly on the go, and reacting, instead of thoughtfully deciding. Learning to step back and observe our thoughts without immediately acting on them is a powerful way to build self-control. It’s a practice that can make a big difference in our relationships, our work, and our own peace of mind.

So how can we build awareness and self-control over our thoughts?

1. Mindful Observation
Try observing your thoughts like an impartial witness. Notice each one that pops up without judging or labelling it as good or bad. Simply acknowledge it, “I’m feeling frustrated,” or “I have an urge to procrastinate.” This small act of awareness can weaken the thought’s power over you.

2. Create a Pause
When you feel the urge to react to a thought, practice creating a pause. Take a deep breath and allow yourself a few seconds of stillness. This space between thought and action is where self-control is born. Ask yourself, “Is this something I need to act on right now?” Often, the answer is no.

3. Challenge and Reframe Negative Thoughts
If certain recurring thoughts are unhelpful or critical, try reframing them. For example, if you often think, “I’ll never succeed,” pause and replace it with a balanced perspective: “I’ve faced challenges before and overcome them.” This doesn’t mean dismissing your feelings or thinking in an overly positive way—it’s about choosing a response that empowers you.

4. Use Visualisation
Imagine your thoughts floating by like leaves on a stream or clouds in the sky. This visualisation helps reinforce the idea that thoughts are separate from actions, and you can let them pass without engaging. Remind yourself that just because a thought enters your mind, it doesn’t define who you are or what you have to do.

5. Mindfulness Meditation
Mindfulness meditation is one of the best ways to strengthen awareness of your thoughts without becoming attached to them. Thoughts can intensify over time if they continue to fly under the awareness radar. Just five minutes of mindfulness practice a day can teach you to notice your mind’s chatter, turn down the volume of its booming voice, and build resilience against impulsive reactions.

Remember, you are NOT the voice!

Learning to observe your thoughts without acting on them gives you the freedom to make more conscious choices. With practice, you may come to realise that the thoughts or voices in your mind are only one part of your experience. You can decide which to engage with and which to let drift away, leading you to a calmer, more composed sense of self.

The post You’re NOT The Voice – Working with your inner thoughts without losing your inner calm appeared first on New Earth Psychology.

Audio Version

Social media seems inescapable. I cannot think of one person who doesn’t have at least one social media or online networking account.

Of the 26.7 million Australians in 2024, 20.8 million, or 78.3%, use social media (Digital, 2024). Frequent online activity doesn’t necessarily mean you have an addiction. However, excessive and compulsive social media use is a grave concern.

Social media has many useful functions, such as staying connected with friends, sharing special moments, establishing professional networks, reaching global audiences, and finding inspiration from thought leaders, content creators, influencers and celebrities alike.

At the same time, the impact of social media on our mental and emotional well-being is increasingly being likened to the effects of drugs. The parallels between social media use and drug addiction are striking and raise important questions on how our digital habits mirror those of a drug addiction, which we will now explore:

• Instant Gratification, Anticipation and Reward
  Just as drugs can provide a quick and intense high, social media offers immediate rewards. Within seconds of creating a new post, likes, comments, and shares trigger a release of dopamine – the brain’s feel-good neurotransmitter – creating a sense of positive feeling and satisfaction. Over time, this can lead to a cycle of dependency, where individuals crave these quick bursts of validation to feel good about themselves.

• The Cycle of Craving and Withdrawal
  Heavy social media users often experience cravings and withdrawal symptoms. When access to social media is restricted or removed, individuals may feel anxious, restless, or irritable. This discomfort can drive them to compulsively check their phones and social media accounts for reassurance, reinforcing the addictive cycle. The fear of missing out exacerbates this behaviour, making it difficult for individuals to disconnect and take breaks from being online.
  
  
• Habit Formation, Tolerance and Escalation
  Over time, the frequent bursts of dopamine and the positive reinforcement from constant feedback lead to habit formation. The brain starts to associate social media use with pleasure, making it an automatic behaviour. This is similar to how the brain forms habits around other stimulating activities, such as eating or gambling.
  As with substance abuse, people can develop a tolerance to the pleasurable effects of social media, and therefore need to spend more time online and engage in more frequent interactions in order to achieve the same level of dopamine release. This escalation can result in excessive use and inability to control or manage behaviours.
  
  
• An Escape from Reality
  For many, social media serves as a form of escapism, much like drugs. It provides a way to momentarily step away from the challenges of everyday life, where users can curate their online personas and present an idealised version of themselves that garners admiration and envy. This virtual world can become more appealing than reality, leading individuals to spend excessive amounts of time online at the expense of real-world relationships and responsibilities.
  
  
• The Illusion of Connection
  While social media is designed to connect people, it often results in superficial interactions that lack the depth and intimacy of face-to-face relationships. The constant stream of notifications can create an illusion of connection. Users establish a sense of belonging within a like-minded community. However, this can prolong feelings of loneliness and isolation offline, as fleeting online exchanges take the place of more meaningful interactions.
  
  
• The Toll on Mental Health
  The addictive nature of social media can have significant consequences on mental health. Studies have linked excessive social media use to increased rates of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. Constantly comparing oneself to others coupled with the desire for external validation can lead to negative self-perception and emotional distress. The accessibility of social media 24/7 can also disrupt sleep patterns and add to overall stress.

Finding a Balance
Social media has the power to influence our emotions, behaviours, mental health and well-being. By understanding the parallels between social media use and drug addiction, we can strive to make more informed choices about how we engage online. If we aim for a healthier balance through increased self-awareness, boundary setting, and taking part in more real world activities, we can enjoy the benefits of social media without falling victim to its potentially addictive nature. However, some things are easier said than done. If you feel like your phone use is excessive and out of your control, I am here to assist.

The post High All The Time – Social media: The digital dopamine appeared first on New Earth Psychology.

Audio Version

I was updating some friends and family one evening about my work and plans for an extended trip.

One person (referred to as Person1 in this blog) said that they felt jealous and wished they could go on a holiday too. They then added “You don’t have a care in the world, but I do”.

The tone in which this was said was passive aggressive, hostile, and reminded me of a child having a dummy spit when things seem unfair. This comment stuck with me. It made me feel bad about feeling good! I felt I was being judged for enjoying aspects of my life, and that I couldn’t share positive news without being put down.

The next day, I told another person (Person2) the same thing about work and plans for a trip. They were very supportive despite saying they felt extremely jealous. Person2 asked for an itinerary so that they could continue to be jealous. We had a good laugh together. I felt I could continue to talk to this person without fear of being judged for what I thought were positive things happening.

Naturally, I compared the pair. It was like an Industry Super Funds commercial, where there are two people, same age, same income, same starting points, but one with a higher super balance than the other. This blog is not sponsored by Industry Super Funds as much as it should be! In my case, I was figuring out why there were such different responses; what drove them, and what came of them.

The common emotion was jealousy, as both had acknowledged. Jealousy itself wasn’t the problem. All emotions are valid and natural. Emotions have a function of being our compass; they shape our understanding of ourselves, motivate us, help us with decision making, and direct us toward realising what’s important. Emotions can bring people together, and at times, tear them apart, which is why it is imperative to know what emotions are coming up and how to effectively deal with them.

With every emotion, comes a reaction. For emotions like jealousy, being unaware can lead the mind to judging, assuming, and comparing; assessing one’s value against others, and seeing ourselves through others’ perspectives. As observed with Person1, if we continue to be unaware that the emotions are managing us rather than us managing the emotions, acting on negative thoughts can have detrimental effects on both ourselves and our relationships. What once was a safe space for sharing becomes unsafe.

This isn’t the only possible outcome of jealousy. With mindful awareness as in the scenario with Person2, one can notice the feelings and sensations coming up, label them (e.g., “I feel jealous”), make sense of the emotion (e.g., my friend has something that I want/is important to me), accept the reality, breathe, and carry on with the conversation with the emotion present, without having a negative impact. Person2 asked me to send pictures of the trip, which I imagined would only prolong their jealousy! They were very good at leaning into the emotion and making light of it. To their credit, the jealousy seemed more like envy, which is the pain of wanting what someone else has rather than being threatened by it. As an outcome of Person2 managing the emotion, we were able to maintain the safe space.

The process of feeling jealous and reacting can happen at lightning speed, as it does with other emotions, such as anger or disgust. What can also happen at lightning speed is losing someone’s trust as a result of mindless words and actions in the heat of the moment. However, we all have a choice. The choices lie in those tiny windows of time between feeling the sensations in the body and thinking, and then between thinking and acting. The more mindful we are, the more we slow down the process. The slower the process, the more options we have.

(DBTSelfHelp.com, 2024)

The post I’m Just a Jealous Guy – Comparing the different response options for jealousy appeared first on New Earth Psychology.